Is there supposed to be a rulebook for relationships?
Apparently, nobody thought to send us one.
We’re expected to somehow know how often to text, how much time to spend together, when to say “I love you”, how much independence is normal, how arguments are supposed to work and whether our relationship is “healthy” enough.
Then there’s social media.
Couples who look completely obsessed with each other.
Couples who never seem to argue.
Couples who spend every waking moment together.
Couples who have been together for five years and apparently still have nothing but nice things to say about each other.
It can make you wonder:
What is a healthy relationship actually supposed to look like?
The slightly annoying answer is that there isn’t one perfect version.
Healthy relationships can look very different from one another.
But there are some useful things to look for.
Healthy doesn’t mean perfect
Every relationship has disagreements.
People get annoyed with each other.
People misunderstand each other.
Sometimes someone says the wrong thing.
Sometimes you need space.
Sometimes you want different things.
Having an argument doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is unhealthy.
What matters is how you deal with the difficult stuff.
The NHS describes healthy relationships as involving things such as respect, support and open, honest conversations. It also points out that disagreements are normal, while suggesting that taking time out and returning to a conversation when people are calmer can help. (nhs.uk)
So don’t use “we argued” as the entire test.
A better question is:
“What happens when we disagree?”
Can you talk about it?
Can you listen to each other?
Can you apologise when you’ve got something wrong?
Can you disagree without deliberately trying to hurt each other?
Can you come back to the conversation afterwards?
Those things tell you much more.
You can be yourself
A healthy relationship shouldn’t require you to become a completely different person.
You should still be able to have:
your own friends
your own interests
time to yourself
your own opinions
your own goals
your own relationship with family and other people
parts of your life that don’t involve your partner
Being close to someone doesn’t mean becoming the same person.
In fact, having some independence can be an important part of a balanced relationship.
That might mean going out with your friends without your partner.
It might mean spending an evening doing your own thing.
It might mean having different hobbies.
It might simply mean enjoying some time alone.
Being in love doesn’t mean you have to be together every second.
You feel respected
Respect sounds like one of those words that gets used so often that it can become meaningless.
So what does it actually mean?
It can mean your partner:
listens when you say something matters to you
takes your feelings seriously
respects your boundaries
doesn’t deliberately humiliate you
doesn’t constantly put you down
doesn’t treat your opinions as worthless
respects your privacy
accepts that you can disagree
doesn’t expect access to every part of your life
Respect works both ways.
You don’t have to agree with everything your partner says.
You just need to be able to disagree without treating each other as enemies.
You can say no
This is particularly important when it comes to sex and physical affection.
Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you owe someone sex.
It doesn’t mean you have to kiss them because they’re your partner.
It doesn’t mean you’ve agreed to something just because you’ve done it before.
And it doesn’t mean you have to explain yourself every time you don’t want something.
A healthy relationship leaves room for choice.
Consent is something you’ll find throughout the relationship — not something you establish once at the beginning.
If you’re interested in this side of relationships, see our articles on What Is Consent?, Can I Change My Mind? and Consent in a Relationship.
You can talk about uncomfortable things
Healthy communication isn’t necessarily sitting cross-legged on the floor having perfectly calm conversations about your feelings.
Sometimes it’s more like:
“Can we talk about something that’s been bothering me?”
Followed by an awkward conversation.
That’s normal.
Good communication takes practice. Relationship organisation Relate describes communication as central to relationships and recommends making time for conversations, listening properly and trying to express how you feel without simply blaming the other person. (Relate)
You don’t have to be brilliant at communication.
You do need to be willing to try.
For example, instead of:
“You never listen to me.”
You might try:
“I’ve felt like I’m not being heard recently. Can we talk about it?”
It doesn’t guarantee that the conversation will go perfectly.
But it gives you a much better chance of actually having one.
You can have boundaries
Boundaries aren’t walls.
They’re a way of communicating what you’re comfortable with and what you aren’t.
They can cover all sorts of things:
Time
“I need an evening to myself.”
Privacy
“I don’t want you reading my messages.”
Physical affection
“I don’t feel like being touched right now.”
Sex
“I don’t want to do that.”
Social life
“I want to go out with my friends tonight.”
Money
“I’m not comfortable lending you that much.”
Communication
“I don’t want to have this argument over text.”
Boundaries can change too.
What you’re comfortable with at 18 might not be the same at 21.
Your circumstances might change.
Your relationship might change.
That’s okay.
Relate describes agreeing and communicating boundaries as an important part of developing trust, including boundaries around emotional and physical space, privacy and time. (Relate)
You can trust each other
Trust isn’t just about whether somebody cheats.
It can also mean knowing that your partner generally means what they say and does what they say they’re going to do.
Trust can involve:
honesty
reliability
respecting privacy
keeping agreements
being able to spend time apart
feeling safe enough to be yourself
knowing that disagreements won’t automatically turn into threats or punishment
Trust also takes time.
You don’t have to hand somebody complete trust on the first date.
It develops through what people do over time.
And once trust has been damaged, rebuilding it can take work.
You don’t have to agree on everything
You and your partner might have completely different opinions about some things.
You might support different football teams.
Have different political views.
Like completely different music.
Want different amounts of socialising.
Have different hobbies.
That’s not automatically a problem.
Even bigger subjects can sometimes be navigated successfully when people are willing to communicate honestly.
What matters is whether your differences can be discussed and respected.
Some differences, however, can be genuinely important.
Things like:
whether you want children
attitudes towards money
expectations around sex
where you want to live
whether you want to marry
whether you want a monogamous or consensually non-monogamous relationship
religious or cultural expectations
long-term ambitions
There isn’t necessarily a “correct” answer to these questions.
But pretending they don’t matter probably won’t make them disappear.
You don’t have to follow somebody else’s relationship rules
There isn’t one relationship model that works for everybody.
Some people want a long-term monogamous relationship.
Some don’t want a relationship at all.
Some people are casually dating.
Some people have open or consensually non-monogamous relationships.
Some people want lots of time together.
Others need considerably more independence.
The important distinction is between something that works for the people involved and something where one person feels pressured, controlled or unable to say no.
A relationship doesn’t become healthy simply because it looks conventional.
And it doesn’t become unhealthy simply because it looks different from yours.
The people involved need to understand what they’ve agreed to and be able to make choices freely.
You should be able to disagree safely
Here’s an important distinction:
Conflict isn’t the same thing as control.
You can have a disagreement without being frightened of what your partner might do afterwards.
A healthy disagreement might involve frustration, raised voices or needing some time apart.
But there is a difference between having an argument and using fear, threats, intimidation or punishment to control someone.
If you find yourself constantly changing your behaviour because you’re frightened of your partner’s reaction, that’s something worth taking seriously.
So is being prevented from seeing friends or family, having your movements monitored, being pressured into sex, having your money controlled or being repeatedly humiliated.
Those aren’t simply examples of “relationship problems”.
If you’re worried that your relationship is becoming controlling, you can read Is My Relationship Becoming Controlling? in The Knicker Drawer and consider speaking with a trusted person or specialist support service.
You can still have a life outside your relationship
Your partner can be incredibly important to you.
They don’t have to be everything.
Friends matter.
Family can matter.
Work matters.
Your education matters.
Your hobbies matter.
Your goals matter.
Your relationship with yourself matters.
The NHS recommends maintaining your own boundaries, interests and time as part of looking after your wellbeing within relationships. (nhs.uk)
It’s okay to have a life that doesn’t revolve entirely around your partner.
Actually, having your own interests can give you more things to bring back into the relationship.
You can make mistakes
Nobody gets relationships right all the time.
You might say something stupid.
You might misunderstand your partner.
You might become defensive.
You might handle an argument badly.
You might realise afterwards that you could have dealt with something differently.
A healthy relationship doesn’t require two people who never make mistakes.
It requires people who can recognise them.
That might mean saying:
“I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that.”
Or:
“I understand why that upset you.”
Or:
“I got that wrong.”
Or simply:
“I’m sorry.”
An apology isn’t meaningful if it’s just a way to end an argument.
But being able to genuinely acknowledge your part in something is important.
What does a healthy relationship feel like?
There’s no single answer.
But you might generally feel that you can:
Be yourself.
Speak honestly.
Say no.
Have your own friends.
Have time alone.
Make your own decisions.
Talk about difficult things.
Disagree without being afraid.
Ask for what you need.
Respect your partner’s needs too.
Change your mind.
Make mistakes and learn from them.
Feel valued rather than constantly judged.
None of these things means your relationship will be perfect.
You can still have bad days.
You can still annoy each other.
You can still have arguments.
You can still wonder what the hell your partner was thinking when they put the empty milk bottle back in the fridge.
That’s life.
A healthy relationship isn’t one where nothing ever goes wrong.
It’s one where both people can have needs, boundaries, feelings and independence — and those things are taken seriously.
A quick relationship check-in
If you’re wondering how your relationship is doing, try asking yourself:
Do I feel like myself?
Or am I constantly changing who I am to keep the other person happy?
Can I say no?
Can I disagree or set a boundary without being punished for it?
Do I feel respected?
Not just when things are going well, but when we disagree.
Do I have a life outside the relationship?
Can I see friends, pursue interests and spend time alone?
Can we talk about difficult things?
Even if we’re not brilliant at it yet?
Do we trust each other?
Or am I constantly checking, monitoring or worrying?
Do we both get a say?
Are decisions generally something we discuss, rather than one person simply deciding?
Can we repair things?
When something goes wrong, can we talk about it, apologise, make changes and move forward?
You don’t need to score yourself.
And you definitely don’t need to compare your answers with somebody else’s relationship.
Think of it as a conversation with yourself.
And remember…
Your relationship doesn’t have to look like somebody else’s.
It doesn’t have to look like your parents’ relationship.
It doesn’t have to look like your friends’ relationships.
And it definitely doesn’t have to look like the relationships you see on TikTok or Instagram.
Healthy doesn’t mean perfect.
It means there is room for respect, honesty, boundaries, communication, independence and choice.
And if you’re not sure whether your relationship feels healthy, you don’t have to work it out completely on your own.
Talking to somebody you trust can help you make sense of what’s happening.
If something doesn’t feel right
If you’re worried about your relationship, especially if you feel frightened, controlled, pressured or unable to make your own choices, consider talking to someone you trust or seeking specialist support.
You don’t need to wait until you’re certain that something is “serious enough”.
You can simply say:
“Something about my relationship doesn’t feel right and I don’t know what to do.”
That’s enough to start a conversation.
If you’re in immediate danger, call 999.
