The Knicker Drawer
What Is Consent?
Consent sounds simple: someone wants to do something, and you agree.
But when it comes to sex and sexual activity, things can sometimes become more complicated.
What if you’ve had sex before?
What if you’re in a relationship?
What if you said yes to kissing but don’t want to go any further?
What if you change your mind?
What if you’re not sure what the other person wants?
What if nobody actually says anything?
Understanding consent means understanding that sexual activity should involve a real choice from everyone involved.
In England and Wales, the law defines consent as agreeing to sexual activity by choice, with the freedom and capacity to make that choice. (Crown Prosecution Service)
Consent means you actually want to take part
At its simplest, consent means choosing to take part in something sexual.
That could mean:
kissing
sexual touching
oral sex
vaginal sex
anal sex
using sex toys
sending or receiving sexual images
or any other sexual activity
You can consent to one thing without consenting to another.
For example:
“I’m happy to kiss you, but I don’t want to have sex.”
That’s a completely valid boundary.
Consent isn’t an all-or-nothing decision where saying yes once means you’ve agreed to everything that might happen afterwards.
You get to decide what you’re comfortable with.
Consent needs to be freely given
Saying “yes” isn’t necessarily the same as freely choosing something.
Someone might agree because they’re being:
pressured
threatened
manipulated
bullied
intimidated
frightened
blackmailed
made to feel guilty
made to feel that they have no realistic choice
Rape Crisis England & Wales explains that consent requires freedom as well as capacity, and that pressure, manipulation, fear or force can mean someone isn’t freely choosing to take part. (Rape Crisis England & Wales)
There’s a difference between:
“I’d really like to do this.”
and:
“Fine. I’ll do it because otherwise you’ll be angry.”
The second situation raises a completely different question about whether the person is actually making a free choice.
Consent requires capacity
Someone also needs to be capable of making the decision at the time.
For example, a person who is asleep or unconscious cannot consent.
Being very drunk or heavily affected by drugs can also affect someone’s capacity to make a choice. The CPS specifically identifies situations involving significant intoxication, drugs, unconsciousness and certain medical or other circumstances as potentially affecting capacity. (Crown Prosecution Service)
This is important because:
Being present isn’t the same as consenting.
And:
Not resisting isn’t the same as consenting.
If you’re unsure whether someone is able or willing to participate, stop and check.
Consent isn’t always saying “yes”
A person doesn’t necessarily have to say the word “no” for there to be a lack of consent.
Someone might:
move away
pull back
stop responding
become visibly uncomfortable
freeze
try to change the subject
say they aren’t sure
ask to stop
become distressed
These can all be reasons to pause rather than continuing to assume everything is okay.
Rape Crisis England & Wales specifically notes that silence, uncertainty, moving away or not responding should not automatically be interpreted as agreement. (Rape Crisis England & Wales)
If you aren’t sure, ask.
You can change your mind
This is one of the most important things to understand about consent.
You can say yes and then change your mind.
You can be enthusiastic at the beginning and decide you don’t want to continue.
You can agree to something and then decide you don’t want to do it anymore.
You can say:
“Actually, I don’t want to do this.”
And the other person should stop.
The CPS states that consent can be withdrawn during sexual activity, even where the activity started consensually. (Crown Prosecution Service)
Starting something doesn’t mean you have to finish it.
Consent to one thing isn’t consent to everything
Imagine you’ve agreed to kiss someone.
That doesn’t automatically mean you’ve agreed to sexual touching.
If you’ve agreed to sexual touching, that doesn’t automatically mean you’ve agreed to sex.
And agreeing to one type of sex doesn’t automatically mean agreeing to another.
Each sexual activity requires consent.
The CPS explicitly states that consenting to one form of sexual activity does not mean consenting to other forms, and that consent needs to be considered for each sexual act. (Crown Prosecution Service)
Think of it less like one big “yes to sex” button and more like a series of choices.
You can say yes to one.
No to another.
And change your mind about any of them.
Being in a relationship doesn’t automatically mean consent
Having a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, husband, wife or anyone else as your partner doesn’t give them automatic permission to have sex with you.
You still get to choose.
Every time.
The NHS explicitly states that being in a relationship or being married does not constitute consent. (nhs.uk)
You can love someone deeply and still not want sex.
You can be attracted to someone and still not want sex.
You can have had sex with them the night before and not want it tonight.
Your relationship status doesn’t remove your right to choose.
What about flirting?
Flirting isn’t consent.
Neither is:
kissing
wearing certain clothes
going on a date
sending a suggestive message
using a dating app
accepting an invitation to someone’s home
getting into someone’s bed
buying someone a drink
None of these things automatically mean someone has agreed to sexual activity.
The CPS specifically says consent cannot be assumed from things such as someone’s clothing, flirtatious behaviour, using a dating or hook-up app, or agreeing to go back to someone’s house. (Crown Prosecution Service)
You still need to know that the person wants to participate.
What about alcohol?
Alcohol can make consent particularly complicated.
Someone being drunk doesn’t automatically mean that they cannot consent in every circumstance. However, significant intoxication can affect someone’s ability to make a choice.
If someone is very drunk, unconscious or otherwise lacks the capacity to make a decision, they cannot consent.
The safest approach is simple:
If someone isn’t in a condition where they can make a clear, free decision, don’t have sex with them.
And if you’re unsure whether someone is capable of consenting, don’t guess.
Stop.
The CPS identifies significant intoxication and drug use as circumstances that can affect capacity. (Crown Prosecution Service)
We’ll look at this in more detail in Consent and Alcohol.
What does healthy consent look like?
Consent doesn’t have to be a formal conversation every time.
It can be natural.
It might sound like:
“Do you want to?”
“Is this okay?”
“Do you want me to stop?”
“Are you comfortable?”
“Do you want to keep going?”
It can also be communicated through clear, enthusiastic participation.
And importantly, you should be able to stop at any point.
Rape Crisis England & Wales recommends checking in with each other, communicating what you do and don’t want, respecting a person’s choice and never trying to pressure someone into changing their mind. (Rape Crisis England & Wales)
What consent doesn’t look like
Consent isn’t:
“They didn’t say no, so I assumed yes.”
Silence isn’t automatically agreement.
It isn’t:
“They came back to my place, so I thought they wanted sex.”
Being somewhere isn’t consent.
It isn’t:
“We’ve had sex loads of times before.”
Previous consent isn’t future consent.
It isn’t:
“They’re my boyfriend/girlfriend.”
A relationship isn’t automatic consent.
It isn’t:
“They were flirting with me all night.”
Flirting isn’t consent.
It isn’t:
“They said yes eventually.”
If someone is pressured, frightened or manipulated into agreeing, that isn’t the same as freely choosing to participate. (Rape Crisis England & Wales)
And it isn’t:
“They didn’t fight back.”
People can react to frightening or overwhelming situations in many different ways. The absence of physical resistance doesn’t establish consent. Rape Crisis specifically notes that someone doesn’t need to fight, scream or try to escape for their lack of consent to matter. (Rape Crisis England & Wales)
What if you’re not sure?
This is an important one.
Sometimes people look back at an experience and think:
“I’m not sure if I actually wanted that.”
Or:
“I didn’t say no.”
Or:
“I froze.”
Or:
“I agreed because I didn’t know what else to do.”
You don’t have to immediately decide what label applies to your experience.
You can talk to someone.
Rape Crisis England & Wales has specific information for people who aren’t sure what happened to them and emphasises that you can seek support even if you’re uncertain about how to describe the experience. (Rape Crisis England & Wales)
If something happened that you’re uncomfortable with, your uncertainty doesn’t mean you have to dismiss it.
You deserve to be able to talk about it.
Consent isn’t about getting the “right answer”
Sometimes people worry about consent because they think they’re supposed to know exactly what another person is thinking.
You don’t.
You can’t read someone’s mind.
That’s why communication matters.
If you’re unsure:
Ask.
If they aren’t sure:
Pause.
If they say no:
Stop.
If they change their mind:
Stop.
If they’re unable to make a free and informed choice:
Don’t continue.
Consent isn’t a test you pass by correctly interpreting somebody’s body language.
It’s something people communicate with each other.
Consent goes both ways
Consent isn’t just something one person gives to another.
Everyone involved gets to have boundaries.
That means you are allowed to say:
“I don’t want to.”
You’re also allowed to hear:
“I don’t want to.”
Both deserve to be respected.
And respecting someone’s boundary doesn’t mean sulking, guilt-tripping them, repeatedly asking until they give in or trying to make them feel bad.
No is enough.
So is:
“I’m not sure.”
So is:
“Not tonight.”
So is:
“I want to stop.”
So is:
“I don’t want to do that.”
The simple version
If you remember nothing else, remember this:
Consent is a choice.
Everyone involved should be able to make that choice freely.
Consent needs capacity.
Someone needs to be capable of making the decision at the time.
Consent is specific.
Saying yes to one thing doesn’t mean yes to everything.
Consent can change.
Someone can change their mind at any point.
Consent isn’t automatic.
A relationship, previous sex, flirting, clothing, a date or going home together doesn’t create automatic consent.
When in doubt, check.
You don’t need to guess what someone wants.
Ask.
Listen.
And respect the answer.
If something has happened to you
If you’re reading this because you’re worried about something that happened to you, you don’t have to work everything out immediately.
You don’t have to decide whether it was “serious enough”.
You don’t have to know exactly what to call it.
And you don’t have to report anything before you’re allowed to seek support.
You can speak confidentially with a specialist sexual-violence organisation such as Rape Crisis England & Wales, or contact your university’s wellbeing or sexual-violence support service.
The NHS also provides information about getting help following rape or sexual assault. (nhs.uk)
If you’re in immediate danger, call 999.
Read next
Can I Change My Mind?
What happens when you agree to something and then decide you don’t want to continue?
Consent and Alcohol
How alcohol and other substances can affect someone’s ability to make decisions about sex.
Consent in a Relationship
Being in a relationship doesn’t mean automatic consent.
Sexual Pressure: When “No” Doesn’t Feel Like an Option
Understanding pressure, manipulation and the difference between freely choosing something and feeling that you have no choice.
Something Happened and I’m Not Sure It Was OK
A gentle guide for anyone questioning a sexual experience.
The Knicker Drawer
Real talk about university, relationships, sex, money, mental health and everything in between.
Last reviewed: September 2026
This article provides general information about consent and sexual health. It is not a substitute for legal or professional advice. Laws can vary between jurisdictions; the legal information above relates specifically to England and Wales.
